Weird Things Each Zodiac Sign Hoards in a Crisis

What Every Sign Hoards
What Every Sign Hoards

In times of total crisis, hoarding becomes mainstream. Just pop into any local grocery, hardware, or convenience store and look to the empty shelves as evidence of a frenzied raid on supplies. But the sun signs might have a couple of weird things they’ll want to hoard, so if you find any of these supplies surprisingly missing from shelves, you’ll know exactly which sun sign to blame.


What’s on the first aisle and all the front-facing end caps? Because that’s what Aries is hoarding. That self-starting initiative has you sprinting into the store, your cart going up on two wheels as you turn and start clearing out whatever the store put closest to the registers. Hope you like over-ripe bananas, the latest cereal craze, king-sized Twix, and sparkling water. You were first in the doors and first to the register and first to get home and first to wonder what the actual hell you’re supposed to do with all the stuff you acquired in your mad dash to be first.


Who else but a Taurus clears out all the top shelf liquor in a crisis? Or all the high thread count sheets? No one else was going for that. Or every single ingredient for making tacos? Did you really need a 12-month supply of taco shells? Who am I kidding? That’ll last you about two weeks! Then, what are you going to do? That’s the real question.


If the board game aisle has been cleared out of the local store, thank a Gemini for leaving you without any way to pass the time. They’ve already hit up the DVDs, board games, coloring books, and reading material (books and magazines FTW) because no way are they going to get bored during a crisis. They grabbed their favorite snacks, too, and if they forgot toilet paper in the mad dash to be entertained, they aren’t worried about it. Did I mention they bought reading material? Hey, needs must! Don’t judge. Better grab Band-Aids for the paper cuts!


You’ve already got a lifetime supply of tissues because your moods require it. No need to hoard THAT in a panic. Scented candles, sunscreen, lip gloss, moisturizer, warm blankets, and water could have everyone raising an eyebrow though. I mean, candles, blankets, and water seem reasonable but the rest? That nurturing energy might have you prepared for making every crisis cozy but also safe. If you have to be outside, you’ll have sunscreen. Your skin and lips will be moisturized no matter what natural disaster or crazy crisis presents, and you can curl up with your blankets, light some candles, and stay hydrated until everything returns to normal once more. Full Cancer Mama energy FTW!


Mirrors, back scratchers, personal massagers, and chocolate covered strawberries. Um… why? Well, clearly, in the middle of a total crisis, you realize that your usual admirers might be too busy to give you the TLC you need. If you can’t find someone else to stroke your hair and call you beautiful, it’s clear that to survive the crisis, you’ll need mirrors so you can see how great you look even if no one else is there to appreciate it, back scratchers because you still need lots of hands-on attention, personal massagers for the same reason, and chocolate covered strawberries because romance is necessary to life.


Virgos weird panic buy for a crisis may look pretty random. Baby formula even if you don’t have a baby and baskets by the dozen. Why, though? Virgos already stocked up on sanitizing supplies before it was cool, and you keep a stocked pantry. But your helping heart will have you wanting to make baskets for everyone else in a crisis, too. Hence, the baskets. Neighbors and friends of Virgo can expect super thoughtful care packages coming their way, even in the middle of mass hysteria. Actually, you’ll care so much about everyone else that others might want to remember to ask you if there’s anything you need—because you’re good at giving help but really suck at asking for it. Actually, even when stocking up to make care packages, you’ll make sure to leave plenty of items on the shelf in case anyone else has the same idea. You’re just thoughtful like that.


Literally no one else thought about buying up all the glitter in a crisis but you, Libra. I guess every crisis needs a sparkly reminder of all the things worth living for, but I have to admit that I never expected the craft aisle to be completely devoid of craft supplies and glitter. But you’ll need to keep busy, I guess. Bedazzling everything in sight and throwing a little glitter on it all might stave off panic for you, but I have to tell you it’s freaking everyone else out.


No one is saying you freaked out the cashier with your purchases—except me. I’m totally saying it. Axes, tarps, bleach, knives, matches, ammunition, masking tape, lube, and condoms. They’re probably calling for help as soon as you leave their register and imagining all kinds of mayhem. But hey, you just like to be prepared. You’ll be stocking up an arsenal for any potential zombie apocalypse, but you also hope to be getting a lot of lovin’  through any crisis. And who can blame you, really? I mean, other than the cashier you just freaked out. I mean, tarps, masking tape, and matches may all be great to have for camping or general survival, but paired with everything else, it might come across a little serial killer-y for most people’s tastes.


Beach towels and sunglasses may not be most people’s go-to buy in a crisis, but you’re not most people. The last thing you want to do is to be stuck around a panicked crowd. You’ll be getting the heck out of wherever the people are and heading for the nearest sunny and warm beach locale. No one’s going to limit your freedom with their crisis mode, and even natural disasters won’t slow your stride. You’ll be fine just as soon as you can get to a nice beach, spread out your towel, throw on your sunglasses and relax.


Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, Cap, but no one else was going to buy up all the planners, pens, highlighters, and sticky notes. Sure, it’s a crisis, and yes, we need a plan. Before it’s over, you’ll likely have up multiple plans on how to manage a crisis. At which time, you’ll likely remember that you forgot to stock the real essentials for managing it. Hey, at least you’ve got all the highlighters you’ll ever need and plenty of paper to make a new list that includes real necessary supplies.


Why was there a run on mala beads, gemstones, yoga mats, salt, and sage? I know an Aquarius panic raid when I see one! Your positive energy will NOT be wrecked by an emergency, no matter how crazy. During a crisis, you’ll be calmly meditating in a salt circle in your freshly smudged house or praying with mala beads on your yoga mat. None of that negativity can reach you there. You’ll be channeling all that third eye energy to solve the crisis in a spiritual way—never mind buying up all the bread, eggs, and toilet paper.


If alcohol and art supplies are cleaned out, look to a Pisces to find your culprit. In a panic, they’ll want to be drinking and creating beauty in the chaos. Wine, wine glasses, watercolors, and canvases can be found in every corner of a Pisces home while chaos reigns supreme. They’ll resurface when the wine runs out and every surface has been painted. The crisis will likely have long passed by then.

Natural disasters and even a zombie apocalypse can have us feeling solidarity or solitude, but the Sun signs will have their own ways of approaching a crisis. These weird buys may raise an eyebrow, but if they keep us happy in times of total panic, we’ll allow it. I mean, we’ll judge it for sure, but we’ll let them be.

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