While those articles about Zodiac serial killers are fascinating in a morbid and terrifying sort of way, we decided to take a look into a different sort of darkness.
Who are the most notorious criminals from each Sun Sign? We’re talking gangsters, western outlaws, and serial bank robbers! Are you really living your best life if you don’t end up as an infamous criminal?
Wait, what?
The answer is yes… because orange isn’t your color.
Aries
Clyde Chestnut Barrow, born March 24th 1909, was infamously part of the Bonnie and Clyde duo who traveled the country robbing banks and killing people. That’s right, Clyde was an Aries. It all makes sense now, huh?
Taurus
James (Jim) Warren, born May 13th, 1931, was a civil rights preacher, faith healer, and (AHEM) cult leader who stubbornly refused to let his flock leave their compound. Warren commanded the shooting of defectors and the cult ended in a mass suicide via cyanide poisoning. What the Bull?!
Gemini
Caryl Chessman, born May 27th, 1921, went down in history as the “Red Light Bandit” because he stopped his victims at red lights and proceeded to rob, kidnap, and do worse. This “criminal genius” managed to appeal his death sentence for 12 years! Ah, Gemini using their thinking skills for all the wrong purposes.
Cancer
John Herbert Dillinger, born June 22nd, 1903, became “Public Enemy Number One” to President Hoover for his involvement in bank robberies and, y’know, numerous murders. He worked with the “Dillinger Gang” (Terror Gang) to rob banks. The criminal Crab loves company, I guess.
Leo
Elizabeth Bathory, born August 7th, 1560, is well-known for her bloody rule as an eccentric, dare I say inventive, murderer. This Hungarian noblewoman bathed in the blood of her victims in order to stay youthful and young. Only a Leo would murder hundreds of girls and bathe in their blood in order to stay looking young, amiright?
Virgo
Jesse James, born September 5th, 1847, was an efficient and infamous Old West outlaw who led the James–Younger Gang and committed various crimes, including bank and train robberies. Yee-haw, Virgin.
Libra
Kate Barker, born October 8th, 1873, was notoriously known as Ma Barker, a maternal figure and adviser for the Barker Gang. During her life, she enjoyed various criminal activities, including bank robbery, kidnapping, and shoot-outs. Don’t worry, though, this Libra balanced her criminal career with being a wife and mother, raising children who would later continue her criminal legacy.
Scorpio
Tom Horn, born November 21st, 1860, was an Old West outlaw and assassin. He worked for the Pinkerton Detective Agency as a bounty hunter until his great capacity for violence got him booted. Swing low, sweet Scorpio.
Sagittarius
Gary Gilmore, born December 4th, 1940, was your average robber and murderer except that he, y’know, brought back the death penalty in the United States’ punitive system. He actually demanded he be executed. Can’t stop me unless I’m dead? That’s so Sagittarian. I can’t even.
Capricorn
Alphonse Capone, born January 17th, 1899, is better known as Al (Scar Face) Capone and had a long (7 year) career as a gangster and businessman who co-founded the Chicago Outfit. Under his reign, there was a lot of killing and junk (estimated over 500 murders). Want to be an infamous gangster? You best hope you’re born a Capricorn, apparently.
Aquarius
Griselda Blanco, born February 15th, 1943, had many names, La Madrina, the Black Widow, the Cocaine Godmother and the Queen of Narco-Trafficking. She was a Columbian drug lord and pioneer of the Miami-based cocaine trade. This Aquarian definitely had connections!
Pisces
Anne Bonny, born March 8th, 1697, was an 18th century Irish pirate who operated in the Caribbean. Once a pirate, always a Fishes. Yo ho, yo ho. It’s a pirate’s life for me.
Don’t freak out, guys. This list may have you reeling, but there’s no need to be worried that someone you’re close to will somehow turn out to be a crime lord or bank robber. You’d know by now! Probably. Still, infamous criminals are, like, one in a million. Laugh about these wild cards and just live your life, friend.
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