Ever been to jail? Well, the Zodiac Signs have their own special way to get there.
Only Aries could get into a fight at anger management class! We all know you didn’t start it…but only because you keep insisting that you didn’t. Does it really matter if you threw the first punch? And it’s not like hitting someone with a folding chair is really assault with a deadly weapon. More like a flimsy one FFS.
You were absolutely 100% NOT shoplifting. It’s just that you tried on that outfit…and that necklace…and those boots, and it looked so good that you forgot you hadn’t paid and just kept walking. Right when you were in the middle of picturing your red carpet debut with cameras flashing, you could get taken down by Albert, the burly mall security guard with a chip on his shoulder. Damn! You were totally going to pay for it.
Of course, you weren’t stealing that sports car! You just wanted to see how fast it would go, and honestly, all the flashing lights just made it that more thrilling. Hey, you can’t help that they thought you were the valet parking. What could you do but go off on the next adventure? It’s not like you scratched it.
You were totally not trying to kidnap anyone. After all, you were just trying to make sure your new BFF at the bar got home safe. Well, they made it to YOUR home safe, and you kept them hydrated and gave them snacks. That’s not kidnapping. You never said they couldn’t leave. You just made them so comfortable that they wouldn’t want to go. It was clearly all a big misunderstanding.
You weren’t trying to engage in public nudity. Although YOU’RE WELCOME, PUBLIC. You were just trying to heat things up…yes, in a public space. But that’s what makes it so hot. If things got a little out of hand, well, can you really blame them?
Cleaning someone’s house isn’t a crime, and how can you call it breaking and entering if nothing was broken? Sure, it wasn’t your house, and no one invited you in. But you can’t exactly just leave a mess to clean itself, now can you?
You weren’t stalking anyone. No, you see, you were just checking on them to make sure they were okay. Those weren’t threats you sent; they were clearly LOVE NOTES. See? They even had lipstick prints to prove it. And cutting out the magazine print was just your way of showing a little extra effort. You can’t help that it was totally taken out of context.
Attempted murder? Please! You weren’t even trying. If you were, you’d be up on a whole different charge.
Look, you were just admiring the flames. You didn’t really mean to burn the whole building down. Sure, you were admiring them over your ex’s pile of stuff, and yes, maybe it was a blow torch you were holding. What’s your point? Are we really going to call this arson or just a little misunderstanding?
You say insider trading, Cap says following up on a good tip. Now is that really a crime? Fine! Guess you’ll be off to white collar jail where you’ll likely use your time to earn a degree, teach a course, and get ready for your post-prison career comeback.
Tying yourself to a tree to stop the loggers was just another Tuesday for you, right, Aquarius? You can’t wait around for everyone else to save the Earth. Being arrested at a protest doesn’t even rate as an interesting event anymore. You’ve got your principals to keep you warm and comfortable until you’re released again. Better order a wetsuit; next week, you’re saving dolphins.
Drunk and disorderly—again. You can’t tell me you’re surprised. After all, the last 5 shots might not have been the best idea. But really, the bar was just begging you to jump on it and sing karaoke. You weren’t stripping…the room just got really hot. Right? That’s your story, and you’re sticking to it!
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