The Zodiac Signs Head To Group Therapy

The Signs in Group Therapy
The Signs in Group Therapy

Move over, Breakfast Club. The Zodiac is headed to group therapy to work out their problems.


Aries is busy insisting that they don’t have an anger problem. So what if they’re shouting it at the top of their lungs? Want to take this outside?


Find Taureans over by the refreshments. Sure, it may not meet their exacting standards, but food is food. And did someone say something about tacos afterward? Sure, you came to group therapy to open up about your fears of loss, but you know what fills up loss? Tacos. Problem solved.


Maybe you said a few things you didn’t quite mean (to say out loud) at the last meeting. Yes, you can be impulsive. And skipping meetings doesn’t help. It’s just that you’re so busy…all the time. You’re totally going to try to be in the moment—provided that moment doesn’t have 10 tasks you need to get done right now.


Just keep passing Cancer the tissues. They came in about their partner hurting their feelings, and now someone else just did it. Sure, you say you didn’t mean it the way they took it, but how can they know for sure? All the feels, all the time!


Leos keep demanding the group’s attention even after holding it for most of the meeting. Be sure if you talk about a problem you have, they’re going to tell 10 stories about times they’ve had it. You can’t win. Might as well shut up and wait for them to get distracted. Anyone have a mirror?


You can’t help it everyone gets their feelings hurt so easily (looking at you, Cancer). After all, you said what you said. It was true, wasn’t it? Truth hurts sometimes.


Libra can next level overreact for sure. In fact, when their turn to speak comes, expect the big problem they’ve been stressing about to be a tiny thing they blew way out of proportion. Their relationship might hang in the balance over an argument about breakfast cereal.


Sure, you get that you’re supposed to love yourself. You’ve been watching Leo practice it hard-core the whole time. But you just can’t quite do it. And that addiction to being between the sheets? You just have a healthy drive; never mind the fact you just hooked up in the bathroom the one time you took a break. And you know, right before the meeting started. And probably in the car afterward.


You were totally down for the whole group therapy thing… until it failed to engage your interest for the whole hour. Now you’re clock watching and wondering if Taurus plans to eat all the donuts or if you can get up and snag one.


Cap can list all their weaknesses and give you a bullet-point plan for addressing them, probably color-coded. They don’t have time for any foolish nonsense; they just want to get right to work on successfully achieving their goals so they can get back to gunning for that CEO position with the corner office and good parking space.


Sure, you can connect emotionally. If you tried. You’d love to talk about it if you could get your head out of the clouds and back to the meeting before it’s over.


You call them phobias, Pisces calls them quirks. It’s better just to stay inside where it’s safe and warm, right? And it’s not so people-y inside anyway. Group therapy really isn’t your thing, but you told yourself you’d work on being brave. Does attending just the one meeting count?

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