In a typical horror movie fashion, the disaster began with a peculiar noise coming from downstairs. The signs weren’t expecting anyone else that evening and the door was locked, so they worried that someone might have broken in. It was almost midnight, so of course, almost no one wanted to go check to find out what the noise was.
In fact, most of them were smart enough to know you should never go downstairs into the dark by yourself when you hear suspicious noises. But one of them had the nerve to do it. “Come on, it’s probably nothing!” Aries dismissed, standing up. “I’ll go check.”
Everyone else started shaking their heads and telling him not to go, but of course, Aries had to do the exact opposite of what the others said.
No one else wanted to join, so Aries went off alone. And didn’t come back. When they heard him scream, everyone started to panic. As Scorpio sank to the floor and started mumbling about the inevitability of their demise, Virgo tried to come up with a plan, but no one would listen.
At that moment, a knife-wielding Capricorn burst into the room with Aries’ blood still dripping from the blade. Chaos ensued, until Aquarius stepped in and said, “Everyone, please! Look at this poor soul. Have you ever seen a sadder state of affairs? She just needs a reminder of her humanity, that’s all.”
“That is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard,” Virgo said, gawking as Libra ran past her and pulled out his phone next to Capricorn.
“Oh my Gosh, can I take a selfie with you?” Libra asked. “I love anti-heroes.”
“Stop smothering her, Libra,” Aquarius said. “Can’t you see she needs space? You just work too hard, don’t you, Capricorn? No one understands you..”
But naturally, Capricorn turned around and stabbed Aquarius anyway, and then proceeded to stab Libra after he got his picture.
“Not only is this entire situation an incredible rush, I think this is an opportunity for a psychoanalysis, personally,” said Sagittarius. “Tell me, Capricorn, did you have a tragic childhood or do you feel that you lack empathy in everyday life?”
In turn, Capricorn told Sagittarius that she had enough empathy to know it would hurt when she stabbed him, but not enough to care. And so another sign bit the dust.
It was then up to Leo to jump in front of poor, weeping Cancer. When the knife struck Leo, the valiant hero sank dramatically to the floor and died. As Cancer then met her maker at the end of the knife, Virgo took this opportunity to flip everyone off and slipped out the door, but not before a drunken Pisces ran out screaming and tumbled head-first down the stairs to her death.
Gemini tried to play both sides and appease both the killer and his friends. “You know, I love murder as much as the next guy. I’ve actually murdered a lot of people. Like, a lot. I try not to brag about it because, you know, prison and all that — but maybe you and I could get together and compare knives sometime…”
“Dude, stop. I hate talking,” Capricorn said before knifing Gemini. She then turned to Scorpio, who was still despairing in the corner. Scorpio tried to fight off the attacker, leaving Cap with a nasty scar, but took her defeat with dignity and cried out, “VENGEEEAAAANNNCCCEEE!” as she slumped onto the floor.
At that point, the only one in the room left alive was Taurus, who had a bag of chips at her side and earbuds in as she sat in her fluffy beanbag chair facing the television. She hadn’t noticed any of the commotion going on in the room at all, and was surprised when Capricorn walked up behind her to finish the job.
Meanwhile, Virgo turned her head back just once as she raced down the street to escape the carnage. With an exasperated sigh, she muttered, “Idiots,” and kept going.
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