The Zodiac Signs as Super Villains

Signs as Super Villains
Signs as Super Villains

Villains. Criminals. They’re out there… and if the Zodiac Signs were people and prone to the naughty list or bent on world domination, what would they be?


I’m not saying that Aries would totally wipe out the world’s population when in a fit of temper, but I’m not saying they wouldn’t either. Aries as a super criminal is a terrifying thought. Not only would they use their self-starting tendencies for evil, but they would likely have a list as long as your arm of the people who’ve crossed them. Expect vengeance to be exacted. Their impulsive nature could have them using super strength or a handy dandy super weapon to exact punishment. Line cutters, people who drive slow in the fast lane…all could be subject to their wrath.


Forget a bank heist; Taurus as a super criminal would make an epic jewel thief. All that sparkle, glitz, and glam might be irresistible to Taureans. Plus, there’s the benefit of dressing up and walking the red carpet to attend the flashiest of parties to steal the most sparkly of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and any other precious gemstones.


There’s no question that Gem as a super criminal would be the master mind of them all. Think total world domination, but you won’t figure out their secret identity—ever. Because they’ll disguise might be so good their own mothers wouldn’t recognize them when they’re in true crime mode. Heck, they might not even recognize themselves, going so deep into their cover they may not come back out.


If someone figures out how to mess with the weather and use it to their advantage, it’ll be Cancer. Weather to match their mood? Yes, please. I mean — of course, that’s how they’d feel about it. Everyone else might find the whiplash weather a bit hard to take at times. A raging Cancer could easily create chaos and use it as the perfect distraction to commit nearly any crime. I mean, no jury could prove you drowned your ex with a hurricane, right? That’s crazy talk!


Leo as a super villain could be a terrifying thought. A little mind control could have you spending hours petting them and telling them they’re beautiful. Sure, you’ll think it’s your idea, but we all know better. That’s what makes it particularly diabolical. Leos may be wondering where’s the crime in a little harmless admiration. It crosses into super criminal lines when you mess with people’s heads so outrageously, but more when it has them handing over credit cards and jewels with equal enthusiasm.


Super cleaning powers? It could happen. With Virgo, you just never know. More likely, they’ll turn us all into their cleaning minions because why do the job when you can outsource it yourself? We could all find ourselves scrubbing floors, serving up tacos, or pouring them top shelf drinks when Virgo goes full villain. If the world sounds cleaner and more delicious to you this way, you might be a Virgo.


It would be just like if Judge Judy had superpowers. Libra as super villain would probably be super-judgmental. Expect the punishment to fit the crime in diabolical ways. While it could look like robbing the rich to give to the poor or criminals finding themselves the victims of vigilante justice, it might get downright petty if you piss them off. The sense of justice could apply to crimes of the heart, too, so exes, watch out!


No one is saying that Scorpio has bodies buried in the basement or hidden in the trunk of their car. Sure, they listen to a lot of podcasts about it, but that doesn’t mean anything. The true crime collection on their bookshelves is pure coincidence. Still, better go check, just to be safe. Maybe call for backup. Just saying.


A super villain Sagittarius will most definitely have a lair they retreat to, likely to do their villainy from afar. Most probable crimes could involve anarchy, as their desire for freedom spills into everything else. Overthrowing governments, opening prisons, and generally causing chaos could be peak Saggy super villain. After all, they’ll be in their cozy lair relaxing, so why do they care if the rest of the world runs amok.


Money laundering might be Cap’s weakness. After all, the idea of controlling that much money could be super-tempting to Capricorn’s lofty ambitions. Whatever super villain crimes they commit will definitely be of the white-collar variety, insider trading perhaps?, and don’t be surprised if their secret disguise is CEO of some Fortune 500 company. The money will keep pouring in, and Caps will only be satisfied when they have it all.


Identity theft could be Aquarians stock and trade, but on a super level. Don’t be surprised if they take on the identity of a spiritual leader. Just don’t drink the Kool-Aid, and you’ll be fine.


Pretty sure if Pisces is a super-villain, they’ll have us all thinking we’re in an alternate dimension. Or they’ll open up an alternate dimension and put us there. Whatever it takes to suspend reality for a better one. Well, better according to them. Expect a lot of abstract art and music, which could sound awesome, unless you’d prefer to stay in the world you worked so hard to create. Of course, we can always hope that they get so caught up in their daydreaming that they forget to, you know, actually commit any crimes or alter our world in any way.

Here’s hoping!

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