The Zodiac’s Worst Drivers

Bad Drivers
Bad Drivers

We’ve all seen them — the bad drivers that turn a pleasant trip into a big pain. Perhaps we’ve even BEEN them — ruining the trip for everyone else in our eagerness to make our own trip as painless as possible. But let’s identify the Zodiac’s worst drivers.


As likely to start a drag race as they are to tailgate you when you’re already speeding. They prefer an open road ahead and will pass everyone else until they can achieve it. Blue lights in the mirror are not an uncommon occurrence.


Has to be reminded that the left lane is for speedy drivers, which they are not. Most likely to try to eat a taco while driving. Most likely to have an accident while trying to eat a taco while driving.


Non-stop talking on the phone while in a motor vehicle. Except when they’re texting on it. Always gives “the look” when drivers pass them and yet end up sitting at the exact same red light. Thinks they can navigate better than the app on their phone.


Soulful singing while driving and will start the song over if they weren’t jamming quite hard enough—or if someone interrupted their car karaoke. May forget to make the turn, despite frequent map reminders, and will likely hear “recalculating” often, making them start the song again. Eventually will make it to where they’re going. Unlikely to be on time.


Will use car mirrors for makeup and vanity checks. Absolutely cruising with giant sunglasses and blasting tunes. Will spin tires just because it makes them feel like they’re in an action movie. Most likely to flirt at stop lights.


Wonders aloud what one has to do for a living to get chauffeured around. Doesn’t really love to drive. Will check weather conditions before heading out. Snow is a no-go. Rain is a maybe. Will drive like a snail regardless and remind you that even the sun in your eyes can be a hazard. Most likely to carry car emergency equipment and a first aid kit at all times.


May dance to their favorite songs despite operating a moving vehicle. Happy to stop for pedestrians. And ducks. And a butterfly that they didn’t want to hit. And that turtle. After they finally start driving, they’ll happily pause to let other cars pull out in front of them, earning happy waves from those drivers and angry waving fingers from everyone else.


Will slow down to a crawl if you tailgate them ever — and then speed up everywhere you can pass. Judges cars by their bumper stickers. Liberally uses their horn to “gently remind” you to move as soon as the light turns green. Most likely to leave a rude but hilarious note on your window if you take up more than your space in a parking lot.


Imagines they’re auditioning for the Fast and the Furious. Or perhaps a stunt car driver. It’s hard to say. Seem to always be in a high speed chase, even when driving alone. Loves the open road. First to “woot-woot” at the idea of a road trip. Prefers riding alone but will occasionally tolerate a passenger.


Drive so perfectly they will annoy you. Won’t go over the speed limit even a little. Will give heavy side eye to backseat drivers but only when they are safely stopped at a stop sign. Would never admit to being bad drivers even if it is true. Likely to use drive time as a way to catch up on their reading, learn a new language, or generally improve their life skills—using audio books, podcasts, and even the occasional TED Talk.


Will cover their car in bumper stickers. Will be happy to “honk if” your bumper sticker applies to them. Most likely to suspect being followed and go crazy routes to shake the tail that probably isn’t there. Thinks every stop light has a camera. Pulls over instinctively every time they see bright lights, making the holiday season a particular challenge when driving at night.


Most likely to daydream while driving and miss their turn. Keeps playlists based entirely on different moods. Doesn’t know the words of the songs so they just make up their own. Can’t parallel park and would never even try to. Often forgets where they park and wander up and down streets looking lost. Probably are lost. Probably late to where they’re going, but they can’t worry about that until they find where they left their car.

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