The Zodiac Signs at a Funeral

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Signs at a Funeral
Signs at a Funeral

While there’s nothing funny about grief or loss, finding something that amuses you, however darkly, can help you get through the worst of it. For instance, spotting the Zodiac signs at a funeral can make an interesting pastime, or an interesting wager if you care to place bets.

So, if signs were people, how might they behave? Who might put the “fun” in funeral?

Aries never liked the deceased in the first place, and if you have a minute (or even if you don’t), he’ll likely tell you all about it. Double your time in his company with no chance of escape if the dead guy ever cheated him.

If you’re looking for Taurus, check the snack table. They’ll be spending all their time with the comfort food. In fact, if you look closely, Taurus has been discreetly stashing cupcakes in her purse the entire funeral. You know, for when grief strikes later.

Gemini could be deep into talking about existential issues of love, life, and death while calculating exactly how long he has to stay to pay his respects and what he has to do next. If you feel like you only have half his attention, you’re probably overestimating just how much attention he’s giving you.

We all know if anyone was going to make a scene it would be Cancer. There she is, throwing herself across the body weeping. Give her a minute to pull herself together, and she’ll likely be on hand to pass out tissues to anyone who needs them or to make sure the dead guy looks just right before they close the coffin.

If you’re looking for Scorpio, look no further than the nearest bathroom or broom closet. He’ll definitely be in there having sex because you never know the day or the hour.

Of course, Leo is Scorpio’s partner in sin. She’s in there trying to turn funeral sex into the romantic start of a relationship. Or maybe she’s just horny. Who are we to judge? It’s best to just leave them to it. They’ll wear themselves out… eventually.

Virgo is low-key watching all the drama. You’ll identify her by the rolling eyes and muttered curses indicating how stupid everyone is behaving. Of course, internally she’s laughing her ass off about it. This is definitely going to be a great conversation starter at dinner later.

Libra will likely be circulating clocking wedding rings. You know, so he can identify who’s married and who isn’t. All this talk of life and death could have the single contemplating their forever partner, and Libra is here for that! Um, and also to pay his respects, of course. Libra will also be dishing out the hot gossip about the funeral attendees, and not to speak ill of the dead, but did you know… Whatever you didn’t know, Libra will fill you in on.

Don’t get it twisted: Capricorn showed up before the dead guy looking super serious, but only because she’s anxiously waiting for the reading of the will. She’s the one in the designer pantsuit responding to work emails on her phone. She’s going to find a way to write-off the casserole she brought on her taxes, and the cemetery is on the way to her next appointment, so she can squeeze it in. As soon as she figures out just how big a cut she’s getting, she’ll be leaving to grab the next rung on the corporate ladder.

Pisces will be easy to spot. After asking the funeral director if the reception will have an open bar, she’ll have moved on to question the key mourners on the same point. Once she’s earned her fair share of stink eye for her lack of tact, she’ll have disappeared just long enough to return with her own drink, which you can be sure is liberally spiked. She still expects the booze to come out at the reception, despite everyone’s denial, but meanwhile, she’ll be enjoying the funeral more and more as it goes on.

On this solemn occasion, don’t be surprised if the funeral has not one but two preachers. Be sure one of them was booked to be there and actually knew the deceased. The one who looks confused is meant to be there. The other is just Aquarius seizing the day. A few minutes into the eulogy, Scorpio exits the bathroom in time to say a few words. Of course, all the words start out as fond memories of the deceased but then somehow go off topic. Next thing we know, we’re hearing all about that time he and the deceased picked up some girls downtown and they turned out to be hookers…

Of course, by this point, Leo is not amused by this story, but she’ll be okay. She’s just going to slip out the side door and slash his tires. Guess Scorpio won’t quite make it to the burial service, but at least he’ll live to see another day.

Pisces enjoyed the eulogy, but of course, she forgot she was at a funeral and laughed out loud a couple of times at the good parts, earning an annoyed look at somber Capricorn who is taking this seriously. After all, the longer they talk, the longer it’ll be before someone reads the will.

Cancer is getting pissed she’s not yet had a turn to talk, and Aries is gearing up for a retelling of the Great Betrayal. Virgo is definitely putting this in a blog or at least in her diary. Taurus is in the back with icing smeared across one cheek and a glazed look in her eye. Gemini is discreetly checking his phone and trying to decide if it’s a good moment to sneak out the back. Libra just realized Leo is now single and is wondering where she went. He’s also trying to figure out how to work this whole scene into the next holiday greeting card to fill in anyone who might have missed it. Aquarius is sending all of us thoughts and prayers while trying to wrestle the microphone back form Scorpio.

Who’s left? Did I miss anyone? Where’s Sag, you ask?

Well, Sagittarius is the dead guy. It’s all very sad, but he did have quite a few mourners as the life, as it were, of the party. You know, when he was alive.

As everyone gets up to finally leave, he sits up out of the coffin and screams “April Fool’s Day!”

It’s not even April.

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