Tis the season for holiday gifts. That’s right; Black Friday is approaching and with it, total madness. Forget full moons, Friday the 13th, and Mercury Retrograde. Black Friday is where the real insanity happens. In fact, let’s take a peek at where all our sun signs will be during shopper’s paradise or shopping hell.
Aries
You’ll find Aries at home, in bed, sleeping. Because Black Friday is stupid, and you won’t find Aries waiting in line for hours to save a few bucks. They’d much rather spend it just for the sake of convenience. Besides, why wait in line on Black Friday if you can just shop the deals from home in your pajamas on Cyber Monday? The fools! Of course, if Aries does wade out into the fray, fully expect them to be throwing elbows and tripping shoppers to get to what they want when they want it.
Taurus
If you grab a gift at the same time as Taurus on Black Friday, LET IT GO. I mean it. It’s not worth it. They will hold it until the sale ends before they’ll give it up to you. Seriously. They’ve fully sussed out all the sales, and if they’ve found what they want, they’ll go toe to toe or head to head to get it, and they’ll never, ever give up. Just pay full price and let them have the damn thing. Otherwise, you could be standing there until one of you dies waiting for the other to let go. Their might have to be a Customer Service Manager called to intervene, and those people have had no sleep, too much coffee, and one too many stupid fights to break up already. You don’t want to mess with them.
Gemini
Gem may be one of the few bright-eyed and bushy-tailed holiday shoppers out before dawn on Black Friday. After all, it’s like one giant competition, right? Who can get the best deals and save the most? Gem is totally down for that. Besides, racing to grab stuff from the shelves pairs their mental and physical acuity, and they don’t really mind playing dirty to snag the best holiday gift in the history of ever. They might be charming you into letting go of the item you wanted while taking 10 more out of your cart while you’re distracted. You just never know with Gem. But you can also expect them to be blocking the aisle while they dither about the best deals, likely checking prices against each store’s competitors. Move your ass, Gem. There’s shopping to be done!
Cancer
The shopper right up in your personal space while you wait for the sales to officially begin. Yep, that’s Cancer. Because what is personal space anyway? You’re all just keeping each other warm and cozy while you wait, and if you have to smell their coffee breath, they don’t mind. Consider it a form of bonding. While they may seem sweet and harmless, don’t think they won’t move quick and throw elbows when the time comes. They’re like a lovable little hurricane wrapped in a cute package. But to be fair, they’ll also likely have snacks and little bottles of water to share when the going gets tough, and as their new bestie, they’ll share with you first. It’s not all bad.
Leo
If you need to find Leo, check out the massive tantrum and shouts of “Mine” coming from the center of a crowd. No, it’s not actually a toddler in full tantrum mode; it’s an adult who happens to be a Leo coming apart over the sale on some hair-care tool or other high-dollar-but-on-sale-today-only item. They don’t mean to make the day all about them, only they’re absolutely certainly it actually is and you should know that. Now kindly give them the high thread count sheet set they deserve so they can go shower everyone with their bright holiday presence.
Virgo
Want to find Virgo? Check out the ones who stayed home and are posting snarky memes about people who shop on Black Friday. Or they might be the Black Friday sidekicks who aren’t there for the shopping but to tweet out the next viral video of shoppers slugging it out over a doll that pees actual urine—because what parent wouldn’t want that? They’ll be giving you major side eye, judging you, and feeding persnickety humor throughout the sale, but they’ll be loving every minute of it no matter how many times they call you stupid for doing it.
Libra
Can’t everyone just get along? Surely there are enough sales to go around! Starry-eyed Libra may be voted most likely to give up that item they desperately wanted, just to keep the peace. You could also find them trying to mediate conflict over another sale item just because it hurts their heart to see the conflict. And you didn’t take that item out of their cart; you totally thought it was in yours. Yep, they believe the best in you, seeing optimism in the Black Friday madness where there isn’t any. On the plus side, they’ll be the first to give to the charity collectors outside the store, to pick up gifts for an Angel Tree, or to let someone go in front of them in line.
Scorpio
Want to find Scorpio? Check out the fight on aisle 10. They’ll be one of the ones throwing down over this season’s hottest toy or big screen TV. They don’t mind if there’s collateral damage or a little blood on their holiday sweater. They will absolutely scale the Hot Topic wall to get the Funko Pop they need, and will take you down with them if they end up buried. You say Black Friday; they hear WAR!
Sagittarius
Find the people with the slap-happy grins on their faces too early in the morning on Black Friday, and you may have found a Sagittarius. They love adventure so much that they don’t mind being out in the middle of the madness. It could make a good story later, after all. Of course, they’d be just as happy out camping and hiking on this day or catching a game with their family as hanging out in a store. They’re down for a good time, wherever that good time happens.
Capricorn
Of course you won’t find a Capricorn out on Black Friday. They bought their presents months ago! See Exhibit A — closet filled with gifts. Not just for the holidays. They probably have a hostess gift or two stashed in there, along with white elephant gifts and other gag gifts so they can never be caught off-guard. Ugly sweaters may hang beside regular holiday apparel, neatly ordered and bought many moons ago in a better sale that beats the pants off Black Friday.
Aquarius
Don’t try to out-stubborn an Aquarius. They likely have strong opinions about where to find the best sales and exactly how to navigate the stores, and it’s best just to go along to get along, honestly. Because they might fight you if you disagree. Seriously, they don’t even want that item, but if you try to go head-to-head with them, they have no problem throwing down just to prove they can. It’ll get personal fast, and if you’re sensitive, plan to get your feelings hurt. Of course, if you can avoid any disagreements, Aquarius might be a charming, fun friend to have with you while shopping. Just so long as you don’t piss them off.
Pisces
Pisces knows exactly what they want — as soon as they make up their mind, in a minute, if you’ll just give them some time and space to think. Expect to find Pisces wandering off in the middle of a decision, distracted by the next shiny sale sign. Now if they’re helping you shop, they’ll be incredibly supportive and make sure you get everything you need. But they’ll likely spend a lot of time talking themselves out of getting what they want because they’re not sure they really need or deserve it. Actually, they’ll be happy to just wait in the car and pick you up when you’re done. No problem at all.
Black Friday is a particular madness unlike any we’ll see the rest of the year. The only thing worse might be a Black Friday during a full moon on Friday the 13th—a thing that will never happen as it always falls toward the end of the month after Thanksgiving. So that’s one nightmare we’ll never have to face. But it may seem scary enough when we’re wading in, unless of course, we just enjoy the excitement of shopping with other mad shoppers getting the best deals in the history of ever. If nothing else, it’ll work out some of that Thanksgiving food we’ve been stuffing in our faces.
That’s right: it’s not madness. It’s exercise! Just go with that.
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